So Little Time

by Utopian Trunks



Gojyou was sitting by himself on a neglected old wooden bench in a small stone courtyard near the edge of the forest. It was not far from the town, and the empty stone flower-urns ringing the now overgrown tile floor suggested it had once been a popular destination for walks and romantic meetings. Now, though, with the residents afraid to venture so much as a step outside the town walls, it was unkempt and in a short time had come to resemble a ruin.
Hakkai paused at a distance of a few metres, watching his friend from behind. One arm draped over the back of the bench, Gojyou sat in a comfortable slouch, legs sprawled out in front of him. He seemed intent on something in the trees beyond, but Hakkai couldn't see what.
A familiar sort of apologetic melancholy nagged at him. Hakkai had never minded Gojyou's skirt-chasing. It was how he'd always lived before they met, and with the situation between them as it was, an assignation every now and then seemed nothing less than his right. Even before their journey with Sanzou had made nomads of them, that was all Gojyou had ever had--dalliances. Hakkai always knew Gojyou's affections weren't involved. He had to admit to himself he would have been hurt if they were. It was unfair but true, and Gojyou probably knew it.
Even so, more and more of Gojyou's loudly proclaimed expeditions to "cruise for chicks" were ending up this way: alone, without even the comfort of a friendly girl to spend the night with. Hakkai forced a smile. Maybe he was wrong to worry over it. Gojyou could take care of himself. But still it bothered him more than he could easily say. And still I can't find the strength to give you what it is you want from me.
He closed the distance in a few strides. "What on earth are you finding so fascinating?" he asked brightly, sitting down next to Gojyou.
Gojyou looked up in mild surprise and smiled when he saw Hakkai. He sat up a bit straighter, tactfully moving his arm from behind his friend. "There's a nest of something up there," he said, pointing with his other hand. "And every so often, one of 'em comes out. No idea what they are, but they're pretty. See it?"
Hakkai squinted in the indicated direction, but the late afternoon sun was in his eyes, and everything under the topmost leaves of the trees was in varying degrees of shadow. "Not... really," he said.
Gojyou shrugged easily and resettled himself with his fingers laced over his stomach. "Wait a bit, you'll see 'em."
Hakkai watched, settling somewhat himself. The sun that now cast this spot in sleepy shades of orange had been shining all day, and the wood of the bench was pleasantly warm. Gojyou, only a few inches away, was a warm presence as well, and the companionable silence that now stretched between them was familiar. It brought back similar days in what had become 'their' house, playing cards while Gojyou fumed over how a pro like himself could be beaten by a dabbler; or when summer heat had laid them both flat but too hot to sleep, and they shared not words but the simplest of companionship. On just such a summer day, Gojyou had begun,
"Y'know... it's been better since you moved in here. Much. Feel like I'm not just survivin', anymore." He laughed. "This dump's startin' to feel like a home, y'know?"
"I'm happy here," Hakkai replied, feeling a chill of unease.
"I'd like ya to stay."
"I've no plans to go anywhere, really."
"No, I mean, permanently. With me." His voice kept the same conversational tone. "I know it's no good for you, so I ain't askin' f'r anything, but, uh... you're it for me."
There was a pregnant pause. "Gojyou, you know--"
"Yeah, I do." He laughed again. "Just droppin' it on ya to get if off my chest, really, jerk that I am."
Gojyou wasn't the selfish one, though. There were few secrets between the two of them, and Gojyou figured out how Hakkai felt about him. Well, some of it, at least. Enough that Hakkai's refusal to enter a relationship should have seemed unreasonable or downright cruel, but Gojyou never said so. And even so Hakkai found himself saying things to him like, "I can't hold anyone with these hands." Words meant to drive the wall between them a little higher, protections he didn't really need from Gojyou, but nonetheless they slipped out. It was just until he was ready. Until their journey was over, maybe. He couldn't be a good match for Gojyou until then, anyway. He kept telling himself these things, but each fell a little short of what he could say to Gojyou. But his friend understood him, somehow, and never demanded an explanation.
Hakkai glanced at Gojyou and wondered if he was really as relaxed as he looked, now that he had arrived. Anyone who got to know the man realized that his posture had little to do with his mood--it took death threats at least to get him to stand up straight. Hakkai was about to suggest they go rejoin the others when something caught his eye. "Oh..."
"You saw it, right? Ah--there's another! Hakkai, you know what they are?"
The sun had travelled another degree or so and in the growing dusk between the branches, a few tiny lights were blinking in and out of sight. "Fireflies...?" Hakkai said uncertainly.
"But they're blue."
"Yes. And too big for fireflies, really..." Hakkai cocked his head to one side, puzzled. "Maybe this area has some species of insect we are unaware of..."
Gojyou snorted, giving him a wide grin. "You're absolutely no fun, man. C'mon, fairies, or elf magic or somethin'..."
Hakkai smiled back, forgetting to be awkward. "What would you have them be?"
"Hmm. Something I can wish on. 'Cuz I already made one."
"Do you wish on fireflies?"
"Heck, yeah." Gojyou shrugged. "You wish on so many other things. Shooting stars, non-shooting stars, wells, clover, the first day of the month, the third day of the third month... I can never keep 'em straight, so I just wish on everything."
Hakkai chuckled. "That's just like you."
"Heh."
On impulse, Hakkai moved over, and put an arm around Gojyou's shoulders. His friend's eyes widened. The expression of content that suffused his face immediately after was heartbreaking. It shouldn't be so rare, such a simple thing as an embrace from your beloved. I know.
Hakkai looked off towards the trees again. Dusk was coming on quickly, and more of the small blue lights were gathering beneath the branches. Trails of blue mist wafted after them, vanishing almost as soon as they appeared. As the darkness around them slowly grew, the lights almost appeared to be gaining mass... Hakkai rubbed at his good eye and looked again, only to confirm his first observation. Then the spectacle clicked with what the townspeople had been talking about earlier, when he and Sanzou had gone supply-hunting.
"Can you wish on wandering spirits, Gojyou? Because I think that's what we're looking at."
He felt the shiver ripple through Gojyou's body. "Ehhh. Not so good. Maaaaybe we oughta--"
"OIII!" Gojyou sat up and moved away, recognizing the voice. Rapid footsteps thudded across the stone and Gokuu skidded to a hault in front of the bench. "Ah, lucky I found you both at once. Sanzou said it was a bad idea to be split up once night fell. 'Cause there's youkai or somethin' in the area, at the inn they were talkin' about werewolves an' goblins an' ghosts, an' people've gone missing an'--"
"We got it, we got it!" Gojyou interrupted, hauling himself upright with an exaggerated sigh. "Sanzou-sama says curfew."
"An' we can get dinner."
"Ahh, so you didn't really care whether we got spirited away or not, eh, chibizaru?"
"Don't call me chibizaru!!"
"Ahozaru, then?"
A rustle drew Hakkai's attention away from the bickering pair. He stiffened. Emerging from the forest undergrowth bare metres away was a wolf the size of a small horse. Burly, battle-scarred, and decidedly hungry-looking. As Hakkai reached for Gojyou's arm to quietly alert him, the beast turned a pair of unnaturally blue, luminous eyes on him. Not a wolf. A wolf-demon. Perhaps even a demon king.
"Gojyou, Gokuu..." Hakkai started, unable for a moment to tear his eyes from the intense stare that held them. Hakkai blinked, and the wolf charged them.
"Look out!" Hakkai shouted. It was too late. As the wolf leapt, Hakkai sprang to his feet, knocked Gokuu aside and turned to shield Gojyou. Razor-sharp teeth tore into his throat and the bulk of the beast threw him into Gojyou and knocked them both to the ground. Hakkai had only a moment to feel acutely the wolf's claws spearing into his shoulder and chest before its jaws clamped around his throat twisted sharply and his vision went black.

The dull, erratic beat of his heart brought Hakkai to his senses. It was joined by another, equally troubled, then another and another till he could hear nothing but the cascading rhythm of thousands of asynchronous beats. His mouth tasted strongly of blood. As consciousness dawned more fully, he felt his pulse through the wound in his throat as well. It was slightly less severe than it had felt when he got it, but the shallow breaths he took whistled and burnt and brought up more blood. He would die soon if he didn't manage to seal the wound... but surrounded by so many presences, he didn't know if he dared let them know he was awake.
If we've violated the territory of a large demon clan without realizing it, we may be in very big trouble... The others...?
Very slowly, Hakkai slitted his eyes open. He was lying on his side at the centre of a wide, circular enclosure in twilight darkness. Emboldened by the obscurity, he opened his eyes further and glanced up. An icy chill flowed through him. Above the floor on which he lay were countless rows of tiered seats like in an amphitheatre, filled with shadowy figures, none of whose faces he could make out.
A spotlight flared into life above him, momentarily blinding him.
"What have you to say?" boomed a voice.
Hakkai blinked, trying to regain his vision, but with the spotlight on him, the seats above were thrown into darkness. He could feel their occupants, though, and hear the ceaseless rhythm of their hearts.
"What have you to say?" the voice repeated, this time joined by several others in unison.
"I--" Hakkai rasped. He tried his best to clear his throat and began again. "Who are you? Where is this?"
Malicious laughter rippled around him. "You ask the wrong questions," said the chorus.
"And will always," rejoined another group of voices. "Finish him now."
"Shall we?" the first chorus chanted pensively. "Or do you have something to say?"
"Where are my friends?" Hakkai asked. It came out quietly, but they seemed to hear.
"Better..." said the voices. "We have him."
Another spotlight flared to life, illuminating a second figure slumped on his side a few metres away from Hakkai, crimson hair spread in the dust.
"Gojyou...!" Hakkai croaked. "Is he alive? What's happened to him?!"
"He will die."
"I won't let you kill him. I'll--"
"You are dying. You will do nothing."
They're right... I can barely move. If I could at least close my wound, I could get over to him... He concentrated, feeling the beginnings of a healing warm his fingertips. But what if Gojyou needs it more than I? And how are we going to escape...?
"You think incorrectly," the second chorus said in sneering tones. "You condemn both yourself and him."
Hakkai strained, trying to gather the necessary energy in his hand, till he could feel the draw as a searing pain in every vein. Still it yielded next to nothing. He let the energy disperse, dizzy from the effort. Panic was fluttering at the back of his mind. He had to do something... it was too stupid a place, too meaningless a situation for Gojyou to die in.
"Fool," said the first chorus. "We will end it for you, then, if you have nothing to say."
"Wait," Hakkai gasped. "Can I not bargain with you?"
There was a pause. "Perhaps... speak your piece."
"Save Gojyou." Hakkai said. "If it's someone's life you desire, take mine and spare his."
"Still he thinks incorrectly!" the second chorus swelled angrily.
"What do you want?" Hakkai asked desperately. "What can I offer you in exchange for his life?"
"You cannot save him," said the first chorus. "His life is not yours to give or take away. It is not in your hands."
"But it is in yours! I beg you--"
"No. Not in our hands, either."
"Please--"
"Nothing but foolishness, end it!" The second chorus.
"Everyone has their allotted time," the first sighed resignedly. "Each will die according to their own stars. When his time comes, you can do nothing to change it. Nor can anyone."
"You won't do anything for him..." Hakkai squeezed his eyes shut, grinding his forehead into the ground. Gojyou... I'm sorry.
Another pause. "Why do you apologize to him?"
"For failing him..." Hakkai said despairingly. "Letting him die."
"Not your choice!" raged the second chorus. "He has his allotted time!"
"And I let him waste it..."
Silence fell, even eliminating the ebb and flow of heartbeats.
"I let him spend it alone," Hakkai whispered. Worse than even failing to save Kanan... She knew I loved her. She lived every day with me happy in that knowledge. But Gojyou, I... I never...
"Perhaps," the first chorus began, and it lost voices with each word until it was again only a single voice. "You may yet amend your thinking. And thus make amends."

Hakkai found himself staring into the wolf's eyes. You have your allotted time, the voice continued. As he has his. Do not waste it.
"What is it?" Gojyou's voice brought Hakkai's head up with a jolt. Hakkai had his hand on his arm, and Gojyou was looking at him curiously. "What'dja see?"
Hakkai's eyes widened, his grip tightening on Gojyou's arm as his other hand went reflexively to his throat. It was whole. He looked back to the woods, where the wolf was still standing, intense blue eyes still fixed on Hakkai. Around it swirled a host of the blue lights, weaving a halo of azure fog around him.
"Th-there..." Hakkai said, getting another shock from the normal timbre of his uninjured voice. "Do you see it?"
"Yeah, whole bunch'a those little blue guys."
"Huhhh?" Gokuu bounced up over Gojyou's elbow. "Where? What blue guys? Huh? Huh?"
As Hakkai stared, the voice spoke again, Do not forget. The wolf lowered its head and retreatd backwards into the forest. The lights swirled where it had been, then retreated in his wake.
"Oops. There they go," Gojyou said. "Guess we scared 'em off."
"Scared what off?" Gokuu demanded, starting to sound petulant. "What're you two talkin' about?"
"Apparently nothing little monkeys can see," Gojyou said, ruffling his hair.
"Grah! Gojyo~u~!!"
Hakkai took a shaky breath, assured himself a last time that his throat was in one piece, then pulled his hand away. Staring at his palm, he summoned a small energy ball, then dispersed it with no problem. What was that? Was I dreaming with my eyes open?
"Don't forget."
"Gojyou..." Hakkai started.
The redhead clapped him on the shoulder, grinning, his other hand keeping back an incensed Gokuu. "C'mon, let's go feed the animal."
"Ah--yes," Hakkai said, rising slowly.
"Dinner!" Gokuu rejoiced, forgetting the insult and setting off. Gojyou followed.
Casting a last glance at the undergrowth where the wolf had stood, Hakkai fell into step behind the others.
"Don't forget."
Sanzou had once said that anyone who lived by killing others had to be prepared to die one day--it was a favourite of Gojyou's; he repeated it often. There was no shortage of danger on this journey of theirs. Hakkai had always been content to be by his friends' side. It was his absence that had made Kanan's abduction and suicide possible; if he was always watching over them, he told himself, nothing would happen to his friends. He could see to it.
But the time may come... when we meet an enemy too powerful. Or when we get separated. The time may come when I can't save them. When Gojyou's life is out of my hands. The thought sent a sharp pain through him. He wanted to deny it, pledge never to let it happen, but it was all too obvious that he couldn't provide for every eventuality. Hakkai's fist clenched by his side. If that time comes... I want him to die... having known what he means to me.
Hakkai came to a halt as they were nearing the town gates. "Gojyou."
"Aa?" Gojyou looked over his shoulder.
"Wait a moment, please." Gojyou stopped, regarding him curiously. A few paces ahead, Gokuu stopped as well, looking back impatiently.
"What's u--" Gojyou started. He broke off as Hakkai closed the distance between them, took his face in both hands and kissed him.
Hakkai felt Gojyou go rigid through his hands, and heard a shocked squawk from Gokuu. Then Gojyou's lips softened under his, and his hands reached hesitantly for Hakkai's waist, settling there when he didn't pull away. Waited too long, too long... Hakkai thought distractedly, as they mutually deepened the kiss.
At length he pulled away, still cradling Gojyou's face. He felt the other man's arms slip away from him with a twinge of regret. The look and the grin Gojyou gave him were uncharacteristically shy. "Hey... what was that for?"
"I..." Hakkai started, eyes flicking from Gojyou's parted lips back to his eyes. "I needed to tell you." Gojyou watched him expectantly. "The new life I was given, I chose to spend it with you. Because I, for you..."
"Hey, hey," Gojyou said quietly. He covered Hakkai's hands with his own and gently removed them, stepping away. "It's okay. I ain't gonna rush ya."
Hakkai shook his head. "No. It's been long enough. You've waited... you've waited long enough."
Gojyou shrugged. "Love ain't just candlelit dinners and rolls in the hay, y'know. Sometimes it's just bein' there." He shook his head. "You've always been there. I've always trusted you to keep on bein' there."
"But that's not enough..."
"It is for me. We've got time."
We don't know that. Nothing's certain. Hakkai swallowed hard. "Gojyou, I do love you."
Gojyou's eyes rounded, a faint blush staining his cheeks. Abruptly, he turned on his heel and pounced on Gokuu. "Hey! What're you starin' at, bakazaru?! Wipe that stupid grin off yer face or I'll do it for ya!"
Hakkai watched the two grapple with an odd feeling both of relief and of urgency. I haven't finished... he thought awkwardly. I won't have, I suppose, for a while. He had spent so long telling Gojyou he needed time that the other man probably couldn't even accept his change of attitude this suddenly.
"Ha!" Gokuu crowed, from somewhere in the dust cloud the two were kicking up. "You and Hakkai are a couple! That means no more cruisin' for chicks, Gojyou! I'll watch ya! An' I'll kick your ass if you do!"
"Runny-nosed little brats shouldn't talk about crap they don't understand!"
"Agh! Leggo!"
Gojyou stood up with a snarling Gokuu slung over his back. "Oi, Hakkai!" Gojyou looked over his shoulder, still flushed, though now it might have been from the tussle. "We're goin' on, before this monkey gets rabid!" He looked Hakkai in the eye. "I'll wait for ya." And with that he took off, taking his flailing hostage with him.
"I know," Hakkai murmured, frowning. "You'll wait as long as I ask you to. But... not much longer. Not much longer at all."


Owari


--Utopian Trunks, 26 September, 2003


Note: The whole structure of this fic came from a dream I had, almost the same as this. Since I don't often dream in anime, I thought it a shame to waste the idea, but it doesn't make for a terribly coherent plotline, and for that I apologize. I also feel the distinct urge to shout, "Justo ippun da!" near the end, there, though that wasn't what I had in mind when I sat down to flesh the dream out... Maa, ikka... I assume what I did intend it to be is also fairly clear.


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