Take 7: That's Showbiz

[Scene: Sunday late-morning in the flower shop. Youji preparing for opening, humming as he arranges the pots and tidies things up. The stairs creak.]

Youji: [looking up from a miniature-rose bush] Ah, ohayou Omi! How ar--

Omi: [dashes past him into the kitchen] Mmhymm--

Youji: [blink] Na? [follows] Omi, you all ri--Omi?

Omi: [looks up from the counter with a towel wrapped around his head, only his eyes peeking out] Mm?

Youji: Uh... um... are you OK?

Omi: Mmm! Mno mmblmm! Mmmmm-mmmm!

Youji: Say what now?

Omi: [waving his hands in front of himself] Mmfng! Mmy-mmy! [grabs his school bag and dashes out the front door]

Youji: [scratching his head] That was weird. I wonder what was wrong... His voice sounded... lower? But he wouldn't open his mouth... [shrug] Maa! Gotta open the shop!

[Later that day, Aya and Ken are manning the shop. Enter a small, cute blond.]

Ken: Irasshaimasse! What can I do for you?

Boy: [giggle] Ken-kun, don't you recognize me?

Ken: [cocks his head to one side] Um... no?

Boy: It's me, Omi!

Ken: ... No... Omi's about half a foot taller than you, and you look nothing alike. Who are you?

Boy: Omi.

Aya: [walks over, folds his arms and glares at the Boy] Who are you, and what have you done with Omi?

Boy: Nothing. I AM Omi.

Aya: If that's so, what's your real name?

Boy: [sigh] I was born Takatori Mamoru, kidnapped, lost my memory, rescued and renamed Tsukiyono Omi by Persia. My codename is Bombay, I'm 16 years old, blood type O, and my image flower is Freesia. [smiles at Ken] And he likes it if I wear a sailor fuku while I give him head.

Ken: [screams and passes out]

Aya: [looking down at Ken impassively] Aya-chan was wondering where her spare school uniform had gone...

Youji: [coming down the stairs] What's all the fuss about? What happened to Ken? Who's that?

Aya: Apparently, this is Omi. [looks at Ken] And Ken is a pervert.

Youji: [looks at Ken] Well I knew that... [looks at the Boy] That's not Omi.

Boy: [opens his mouth]

[the door opens and Manx enters]

Manx: Good afternoon, those of Weiss.

Youji: Uh... hi, Manx... um...

Manx: [pulling out a video tape] I have an assassination mission for you.

Youji: [gaping] MANX! [raises his eyebrows at her, then looks meaningfully at the Boy]

Manx: [smiles] Stop making eyes at me, Balinese, everyone knows you're being fucked blind by Abyssinian.

Youji: [chokes]

Aya: [shrug] It's true...

Youji: [gasping] Th-that's not what I was doing! Y-you can't just... "talk business" in front of a civilian!

Manx: [looks around] I see no civilians.

Ken: [blinking up from the floor] Ohh... anyone get the name of that sushi cart?

Youji: [pointing at the Boy] HIM!

Manx: [looks at the Boy, then back at Youji] This is Tsukiyono Omi, codename Bombay. What's the problem?

Youji: What the hell are you talking about?! You think I can't tell the difference?!

Ken: [hauling himself upright with Youji's help] Yeah! What the heck is going on!?

Youji: Manx, we want the truth!!

Manx: The truth?! You can't HANDLE the truth!!

Aya: Why not?

Manx: Good point. [shrug] Omi's a kid actor. He grew out of his part.

Aya: Oh.

Manx: [nods] See?

Youji: Whaddya mean, 'oh'?! You can't just replace Omi! He's our teammate! I don't want some... some... [waves at Omi II] ...HIM!

Manx: He's all we could get on such short notice.

Ken: [close to tears] But... but WHY?! You never replaced any of us!

Youji: [pales] I'm 28, and you guys keep lying about my age in the eyecatch... you're not going to replace me, too, are you?? [Aya slides in front of him protectively, fists clenching]

Manx: [waves a hand] Don't be silly, there's no need. You three are bishounen.

Ken: [sniffle] Wasn't Omi?

Manx: No, see... we made a bit of a mistake. You've all noticed you don't really age, right?

Aya: [nods slowly] Yes...

Manx: Because you're bishounen. It's sort of a permanent status. Once you reach it, you're set. I mean, Vincent's like seventy years old and Youko Kurama's somewhere near one thousand. You'll never get any hairier, greyer, or saggier than about nineteen--or at worst twenty-one.

Youji: [whistles] That's a relief!

Ken: But then...?

Manx: Well, this show was scripted as 'four bishounen assassins.' Omi was actually an escapee from the shota anime being filmed in the next studio.

Aya: Shota?

Manx: It's sort of the 'pupa' phase before bishounen. Problem is, even if they're cute as shota, you can never tell how they'll turn out. Sometimes you get bishounen... sometimes you get bald, middle-age salarymen. [shrug] That's just how it is!

Ken: [eyes wide] So ... Omi's... bald?!?!

Manx: [nods solemnly] I'm afraid so.

Ken: [faints]

Youji: I am SO glad I'm a bishounen.

Aya: I thought you were the compassionate one in this pairing.

Youji: [shrug] Call me shallow. I'm just relieved.

Omi II: [crouching by the unconscious Ken] Oh Ken-kuun? Wake uuuup... [giggle]

Aya: [looks sharply at Omi II]

Youji: [shivers] I'm still not working with him. I want Omi back. And I don't think Ken's going to be very happy when he-- [looks over and his eyes bug out] HEY! STOP THAT! DON'T MOLEST KEN WHILE HE'S UNCONSCIOUS!!

Manx: I'm afraid you haven't much choice. You'll find him a fully functional and efficient replacement for Bombay.

Aya: [watching with eyebrows raised] He certainly appears fully-functional...

Manx: [nods] See?

Ken: [groggily] Uhh... what happe--AAAAAAHHH!!!!! [faints]

Youji: This is gonna get old quick...

[Scene: stock office building, dead suited guys, one businessman still quivering behind a desk]

Businessman: Wh-what do you want?! Who are you people?!

Aya: [narrowed eyes] White hunters of the dark beasts, protecting the remaining 'white' in this dirty city... [pose] Byce.

Youji: Or at least we are... [jerks a thumb at Omi II] he's an evil clone.

Omi II: [glomps onto Ken] Hido~i yo, Youji-kun, you should accept me for who I am! [flutters eyelashes]

Ken: [whimper]

Youji: [glare] Don't faint.

Aya: Uh, getting back to business...

Voice: HOLD IT!!

[the door slams open to reveal a caped figure with a huge fedora pulled down over its eyes]

Figure: I AM--!

Youji: The terror that flaps in the night?

Ken: Zorro?

Figure: No! [throws off the cape, then tosses the hat, which beheads the businessman, à la James Bond]

Aya: Nice.

Figure: [who is a blond mustachioed man] Thank you.

Everyone: [blink]

Blond Man: You... don't recognize me?

Everyone: [blink, blink] .... Uhm?

Ken: Omi!!!!

Aya: What?! That's not Omi!

Youji: He's wearing full-length pants!

Aya: And his voice is deeper than mine!

Omi: [sigh] I know... they fired Hiro Yuuki and now I'm voiced by Hayami Sho.

Aya: [growl]

Youji: Eh?

Ken: Omi!! [teary-eyed] They... they told me you were bald! Yokatta! I'm so glad you're all right!

Omi: [looking hurt] ... Not bald... [tugs at his moustache] I've been getting extra hair where I least expecte--

Youji: [clamping both hands over his ears] WAH! Don't wanna hear it!!

Ken: What happened, Omi? Where did you go?

Omi: I got shuffled off to be an extra in some show called 'Boku no Sexual Harassment'. Bu~t [evil grin] thanks to my skills with explosives, I escaped! And NOW... [pulls out his crossbow and trains it on Omi II] I will claim my rightful place as Bombay, AND Ken-kun's lover!

Ken and Youji: Hooray!

Omi II: [reglomping Ken] Ohhh, no you don't! This role is mine, and so is Ken-kun! BeSIDES, with your new oh-so-sexy salaryman look, you can't expect to play bottom to this bishounen anymore, can you?! Ha! Your relationship is over!!

Youji: [gasp] He's got a point, Omi!

Omi: Pssht. Ken and I were switching off before, anyway. [scowl] And I ALWAYS topped YOU, bitch, so shut up!

Youji: O_O

Aya: [glare of death] Whaaaat was that?!

Youji: Th-th-that was a long time ago, Aya!

Aya: Kisama...! [takes off after Youji] You have any idea how many bondage and discipline PWPs this entitles me to in recompensation?!

Youji: [dashing from the room] Iya da! Those goddamn cuffs HURT, Aya!!

Omi: Hn. Now it's between you and me, imposter yarou.

Omi II: [fanning a handful of darts between his fingers and squeezing Ken tighter] You think you can take me on, old man?

Ken: [whimper]

Omi: [smile] Where did you get those shorts from, little boy?

Omi II: Bombay's dressing room, where else?

Omi: [smiling wider as he pulls out a remote with a huge red button] You don't say.

Ken: [blink] Wah, leggoleggoleggo!! [wiggles out of the boy's grasp and dives for cover behind Omi]

Omi II: Wait... you didn't... you wouldn't...

Omi: Three things in life I won't forgive anyone for messing with. My laptop, my Ken-kun, and my SHORTS.

Omi II: No! D-don't! [starts tugging at his belt] The buckle's stuck--!

Omi: [manic grin] Bai-baaa~i! [punches the button]

[mushroom cloud footage courtesy of La-Z-Boy Graphix]

[Scene: The Koneko no Sumu Ie, afternoon. Youji behind the register, looking miffed, Aya working with displays in front of him, looking miffed, Omi--thankfully with his moustache shaved, but with stubble--sitting at a table in the back, bookkeeping, looking nonplussed, Ken next to him, cheerfully making a rose and tulip arrangement]

Youji: [grumble] Stupid Omi can't keep 'is mouth shut won't be able to sit for a week... [grumble]

Omi: What was that? Don't make me come over there and slap you.

Youji: [winces, then glances at Aya, who snarls] [whimper] Mou iya...

[The bell jingles and Manx walks in, followed by Nokoru from CLAMP School Detectives, Shaoran from Card Captor Sakura and Jurika from Mahou Tsukai-Tai]

Manx: All right, enough is enough. Omi, your contract with Weiß is expired, you have to leave. These are the new potential alternates.

Youji: [looking them over, points to Shaoran] That one's straight, I want him, he'll be less trouble. [looks at Jurika and shudders] And make THAT one stop leering at me!

Aya: [snarl]

Youji: AAH, give it a rest, Aya! Aren't you satisfied yet?! I've got rope burns in places I didn't even know I had!

Aya: If I ever recover from hearing Omi call you 'bitch,' I'll apologize.

Youji: [burying his face in his hands] Mou iya...

Manx: [walking over to plant a hand on the table in front of Omi] Like I said. Out.

Ken: Manx, he's staying! No one's better with reconnaissance, or computers, or bombs, or long-distance weapons, and whether he's little and cute or not, old or young, top or bottom, he's always going to be MY Omi, and I'll never accept ANY replacement!!

Omi: [smile]

Youji: Oh, gag me.

Omi: Shut up, bitch.

Youji: [gurgle] You--

Aya: [glaring venomously] That's IT! [grabs Youji by the collar and drags him upstairs]

Youji: [sobbing] Nooo, not again!! Omi, I hate you! I'll get you back somehow!!

Manx: OMI. We have a place for you in an anime called 'Black Heaven'. It's a lead...

Omi: [calmly, without looking up] I would speak more respectfully to an explosives expert who has the entire Kritiker base wired and could reduce your organization to steaming slag with the flick of a switch.

Manx: Threats will get you nowh--

Omi: --AND who has explicitly incriminating photographs of your last threesome with Birman and Persia.

Manx: ...

Omi: And negatives in several safe places.

Manx: [clearing her throat] Well. [cough] I can see that one mature member of Weiß may well be an asset. We will, ah, let you stay on a trial basis. [walks briskly out of the shop]

Ken: [huge sigh of relief] Ahh, now things can get back to normal! [starry-eyed] You handled that so well, Omi, I'm so glad you're back!

Omi: Thank you.

Ken: [blink] Uh... what should we do with them? [points to the three 'replacements' Manx left behind]

Omi: Hm... Send them upstairs to make Youji-kun's life more difficult. [snicker]

[And so life for the four assassins of Weiß returned... more or less to normal.]

[Though Youji's ass never did really recover.]

The End

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