The Shattered Lands
The Shattered Lands
-or-
Bully and Weenie Save the World
by Koko-chan and The Blue Spanch
The sky was that clear, perfect blue of early autumn, with puffy white clouds sailing through
it like ghostly ships. Yuusuke was in the proper position to admire this, as he was lying comfortably
on his back on the roof of the school while his Mathematics teacher bored his classmates to death
elsewhere. He'd just woken up from a particularly nice nap and was watching the pictures the clouds
made. Just then, a face blocked out the view. "Hello, Yuusuke!" A familiar voice chirped.
"Hi, Botan." He said sitting up. "What's Koenma's problem this time?"
"He didn't tell me. He said it was a matter of national security and said the matter was
classified. He wants me to take you all to a meeting with him in the Reikai as soon as school gets
out, okay?"
"Why wait? I can go anytime." Yuusuke said with a smile. 'When Koenma gets all self-
important, it's bound to be good for a laugh or two."
"Kuwabara and Kurama are still in class, Yuusuke, and Kurama's the only one who can find
Hiei at any given time. rd rather take you all at one go, rather than one at a time. It's easier that
way."
"Saves time, too. Okay. How 'bout we all meet in the park at four-thirty? That oughtta give
everyone enough time to get their stuff dropped off at home."
"That's fine. I'll go tell the others. See ya later!"
"Bye."
Yuusuke and Kuwabara ambled into the park a little early. "What d'you think Koenma's up to
now?" Kuwabara asked. It galled him sometimes that his boss was such an incompetent baby.
"Probably lost his pacifier." Yuusuke replied.
"Sounds like him." Kurama said, walking towards them out of the trees.
"Yeah." Kuwabara chuckled. "Where's Hiei?"
Kurama jerked his thumb at one of the trees. Sure enough, Hiei was perched in the top,
looking cold and aloof as usual.
Botan arrived right on time, and Hiei hopped down from his perch. "Everybody here?" She
chirped. "Good. Koenma-sama gets grumpy when he has to be patient, so let's go!"
She swept them into the strange .pale blue-purple ether between worlds as she usually did on
these errands, but this time, something went wrong. The ether rippled up and down the color spectrums, contorted into strange shapes, warped, faded, rang like a gong, and then split in eight dimensions at once. Botan burst out of the crazed nothing into Koenma's study and nearly fell over. "Wow!" She said. "That was a rough one! Are you guys okay? Guys? Where'd you go?"
"Ah, Botan," Koenma said, coming in. "You're here. Where are the Spirit Detectives?"
"Oh, Koenma-sama!" Botan wailed. "I was bringing them, but the way between worlds
went all weird and I lost them!"
"Uh-oh." Koenma said. "I was afraid of this. It's getting worse."
"What is?!"
"The space between the three worlds has become very unstable; it's dangerous to travel
through now. This kind of thing happens every few centuries or so, because there are certain significant star conjunctions that affect that sort of travel. This is happening now, but the fluctuations are
far too violent to be just that. I was going to tell Yuusuke and the others to isolate the cause and put
a stop to whatever is doing it, but it's a bit late now."
"Do you have any idea of where they are?" Botan asked anxiously.
"Let's see." Koenma said.
They went over to his desk and activated the view-screen; Koenma started flipping through
the channels. "They're not anywhere in the Reikai," He muttered. "Or in the Makai. Nope, No-
where in the Ningenkai, either."
"Check deep space!"
No luck there, either. Koenma fiddled with the controls, and came up with a static-filled and
grainy picture of someplace unsettling. Kuwabara's familiar oxlike build could be just made out in
all the noise. Then the picture went dead. Koenma sat back with a sigh. "Where are they, Koenma-
sama?" Botan asked.
"Out of reach. I don't have any influence at all in the Shattered Lands. Not even my father
can navigate those places."
Botan gasped in shock, eyes brimming. The Shattered Lands! Source of a million horror
stories! "Is there anyone who can?" She asked.
Koenma thought about it for a moment. "The Piper, and Issola Stormtrigger. They rule the
place, but I can't reach them. The Harlequin would be able to go there, too."
"That's no good, either." Botan said, completely unaware of the escapade that the Spirit
Detectives had had with the God of Chaotic Silly; nobody had bothered to tell either Botan or
Koenma about it. "He's hard to reach, and he probably wouldn't go. He doesn't know Yuusuke and
his friends, and there's not much to laugh about in the Shattered Lands anyway."
"Oh, well." Koenma said. "Yuusuke's a fairly smart boy. He'll probably be able to think his
way out of this mess."
Somewhere else in space and time, Yuusuke was not feeling very smart at the moment. He
was disoriented and uneasy, and he didn't know where he was. What he did know was that this place
sucked roadsalt. The place was a study in the most dismal of greys and dull blacks, and a thin, chilly
wind wailed like a lost soul through what were probably trees. It smelled of dust and decay here,
and nothing grew but cobwebs and dry rot. The trees, the rocks, everything here except a still,
greyish lake looked as though it had been constructed out of mummified corpses wrapped up in
thousands of years' worth of spider webs. It gave the words "dismal", "morbid", and "gloomy" a
whole new meaning. Other than the wind, it was silent, and the sky looked as though the sun had
never touched it.
"This sucks." He said, summing up the whole situation.
"You said it." Kuwabara agreed, and then he noticed Hiei. "Hey, what's with the little guy?"
It was a fair indication of how Hiei felt that he let Kuwabara's 'little guy' crack slide without
noticing it. Hiei was standing very close to Kurama and fidgeting; his ruby eyes flicked back and
forth nervously, his trembling hand clutched his sword-hilt in a white-knuckle grip, and his breathing
was harshly audible.
"I think we're in real trouble, guys." Yuusuke said softly. "When Hiei gets nervous, it's time
to run for the border."
"Are you all right, Hiei?" Kurama asked, concerned.
"This is the Glen of The Damned. I've been here before." Hiei said in a strained voice. "When I was a child, someone sent me here to die. I nearly did. I still have nightmares of this
place."
Kurama drew in a hissing breath. "So this is the Glen. I've heard about it. It's been here
since the very beginning. They put all the really evil ones here- the souls that even deep space won't
accept. How'd you get out, Hiei?"
"I don't know. I wasn't thinking very straight at the time."
"So." Said Yuusuke after some thought. "You think we might meet Yakumo and his Demon-
god henchmen here?"
They all gave him a stunned look. "I want out of here!" Kuwabara moaned. "Oh, crap!"
Something was moving in the forest. Small sickly grey-green lights by the thousands ap-
peared in the woods. As they moved closer, they saw that the lights were coming from the empty
eyesockets of a multitude of the hungry dead. The tree-things and the rocks began to unfold and
react to the presence of living beings. A wailing that spoke of terrible, mindless hunger rose from
the cadavers in the grim twilight.
"Is there any chance of Koenma sending help?" Yuusuke shouted as the noise level rose.
"Not a chance!" Hiei said, chopping a grasping limb off of one of the tree-things. "We're in the Shattered Lands! Koenma has no power here!"
"Who does?" Kuwabara shouted, Rei sword flashing as the dead charged them en masse.
"Dunno!" Kurama called, Rose whip slicing a decaying monstrosity in half. "You'd have to
have your brains in backwards to come here, anyway!"
Something occurred to them just then. They knew someone who not only owed them a favor,
but definitely was backwards-brained and could go anywhere.
"Harlequin!!" They all shouted at once.
There was a brilliant blue flash and there was suddenly not one, but three new participants in
battle. One was familiar, a tall and athletic black-and-red joker-like person who danced through the
crush, beheading corpses with a slender, bitter-sharp blade and a length of dental floss. The second
newcomer was even taller than the Harlequin, a bright silver robot with triple-jointed legs, a set of
long clawlike blades in each wrist, and a knack for martial arts. A head like an overlarge security
camera fixed its single red ocular on Yuusuke in a hard gaze, nodded once in greeting, and then the
robot shredded what had once been a demon of some sort. The third one was hard to describe at the
moment; one could only get an impression of size, height, length, and destruction.
The horde of rotting dead wavered as the three new fighters tore into them, then broke and
ran, wailing pathetically into the distance. Yuusuke and the others were finally able to get a good
look at the third one that had caused so much damage among the damned. It was a monster. It stood
ten feet high and was twenty-five feet long. Its hide was a glossy dark red, the color a shocking
contrast with the sere greyness of the surroundings. Its face was skull-like and lipless, with huge
faceted black eyes, two slits serving for a nose, and prominent jaws featuring a multitude of fangs.
Its head was elongated in a backwards-facing crest, and five rows of silvery, triangular, razor-sharp
spines began on its forehead and ended at the tail-tip. A long, sinuous neck connected the head with
the first set of broad shoulders; the creature had a double torso- one growing out of the top of the
other- and four long, powerful arms held oversized katanas in each eight-fingered hand. The long-waisted upper body sat on a third, more massive set of shoulders. The monster's body was far too
elongated to stand fully upright, so it must go on four legs. The forelegs had obviously evolved from
arms-they still had five fingers. Long flanks connected to powerful haunches, and then tapered,
becoming a long tail, slender and flexible, that could and had acted as a lethal whip. Odd folded
masses of flesh and bone coiled between the upper and lowest shoulders, and it wore a harnesslike
garment of black leather. A luminously cobalt-blue stone was set into the harness in the center of the topmost chest. The monster smelled slightly of sweet spices, and soft, flutelike music seemed to
follow it.
Still, for all its bulk, it moved lightly, as though gravity was a thing it obeyed only out of
politeness, as it sheathed its swords and strode over to the rather high-strung Spirit Detectives. The
Harlequin was already with them, wiping mummy gunk off of his sword with an old rag. The robot
had retracted its fighting claws and stood passively to one side, a foot like a cloven hoof tipped up on
its front edge.
"Hi, 'Quin." Yuusuke said, a little breathless. "Who're your -um- friends?"
"Greetings, Yuusuke." The Harlequin said, carnival music haunting the back of his voice as
it always did. "Out of your territory, aren't you?"
"Yeah. Thanks for the save."
"Don't thank me, kiddo." The Harlequin gave them a rather embarrassed look. "I hate to
admit it, but I can't navigate these parts any more than your average lemon. The fellow you should lavish effusive thanks upon is the big red one currently giving Hiei the hairy eyeball."
The 'Quin wasn't kidding; Hiei and the red monster were eyeing each other speculatively.
"Where are my manners?" The 'Quin continued. "I may have left them in my other cape.
Anyway, folks, let me introduce my travelling companions. The big robot here is Vanguard, a free-roaming Delcronnaxian of the Journeyman class, whom I picked up in my wanderings."
"Hi there." The robot said pleasantly in a slightly metallic voice. "Pleased to meet you. By the way, most people just refer to me as 'Van'. Your stripey buddy here is in a formal mood, so don't be too surprised if he waxes eloquent when he introduces the red man."
The 'Quin was miffed. "My elephant does not need waxing. I did that last week. And I am
not in a formal mood. If I was really feeling formal-"
"You would take even longer to get to the point." Van said shortly. "Kids, His Massiveness
here is the Piper, co-ruler of the Shattered Lands, and one of the very few people that can actually find their way through this morass of split infinities."
Neither the Piper nor Hiei was paying any attention to any of this. Hiei was trying to figure out just why this monster seemed familiar to him, and the Piper was noting with approval that the half-dead fire-demon sprat that he had carried out of the Glen all those years ago had survived to teenagerhood.
Hiei reached a decision and drew his sword, settled in a fighting crouch, and gave the Piper a big toothy grin. The Piper took one look at Hiei's sword, snorted in disdain, and drew his own four
katanas. "Yaaah!!" Hiei shouted, and sprang forward, sword flashing.
"Whooop!!" The Piper responded, meeting Hiei's attack and launching his own, and together
their swords went cling-cling-cling-cling- all over the Glen of the Damned.
"Hiei-!" Kurama said, starting after them, but stopped when he felt a metallic hand close on his shoulder.
"Don't panic, fox." Van said calmly. "They're just playing."
"Some game." Kuwabara said, watching as Hiei leaped over the lashing tail and aimed a
slash at the long neck of his sparring partner. The swing was parried, of course.
"Believe you me, human, if the Piper wanted that firebaby dead, he never would have let him
make the first strike. Don't even think about it, Harlequin."
The Harlequin had created a stack of banana cream pies and was aiming one at Van's head.
"Aw, nuts." He muttered, and then flung his stock at an overly bold zombie.
Hiei had managed somehow to climb up the Piper's long back and began bonking the
monster's head with the hilt of his sword. The Piper flinched, dropped a sword down to one forepaw,
and pulled Hiei off of his upper shoulders. Undaunted, the dangling Koorime slashed at the Piper's elbow, forcing him to let go or lose half an arm. The two breathless fighters circled each other
cautiously. "Fight me for real, you big weenie!" Hiei said, more than a little drunk on adrenaline.
"Haschera'a, you bully!" The Piper rumbled, no less high.
They paused for a minute then, trying to make sense of what they had just heard. They had
both been called a great many things by their adversaries, but it was a safe bet that Hiei had never
been called a bully before, and an even safer one that the Piper had never been called a weenie. Hiei
smiled almost shyly, and the Piper dropped his jaw in an approximation of a grin. "Bully!" The
Piper said experimentally.
"Weenie!" Hiei responded.
Then they were off again. Cling-cling-cling-cling-"Bully!" "Weenie!"-cling-cling-cling-cling! And so on.
Yuusuke had been rattled badly all day by one weird event after another, and this was just too
much. Kurama and Kuwabara couldn't help but notice that their team leader was on the verge of
nervous breakdown. "What's wrong, Yuusuke?" Kuwabara asked.
"Bully!" The Piper bellowed from across the Glen.
"Weenie!" Hiei retorted, chasing after him.
"It doesn't wash!" Yuusuke wailed. "It just doesn't!"
"What?" Kurama said, genuinely baffled.
"In my experience, you do not call a huge monster 'weenie' and get away with it, and Hiei is
not a bully! He is an evil-tempered homicidal fire demon! Aargh!" Yuusuke toppled over onto the
dirt. "I'm having a nervous breakout!"
"Breakdown." Kurama corrected soothingly, hauling him back to his feet.
"Whatever." Yuusuke grumped. "Get those two loonies over here, will you? I want out of
here. Where's the Harlequin?"
"Playing 'Pie the Monster' over there somewhere." Kuwabara said, pointing towards the lake.
Van let out a piercing whistle that got everybody's attention. "Piper! Hiei!" He shouted.
"Time to go, you lot. This one's starting to crack. Harlequin! You too."
"Humans." The Piper said with disdain as they sheathed their swords and came over. "No
stamina. Ain't that so, Bully?"
"Right on, Weenie."
Yuusuke whimpered.
Seeing that his friend was out of commission for the moment, Kuwabara took the initiative.
"We need to get back to the Reikai, Piper. Can you get us there?"
"Hmn." The Piper said, thinking. He then stepped back, and the odd masses of flesh and
bone between his shoulders uncoiled, unrolled, straightened, and became four long wings that
resembled a cross between those of a dragonfly and a pterodactyl. He fanned them gently and tipped
his head forward so that the long crest was raised. The air around him rippled strangely, and their
ears were filled with half-heard voices. The Piper recoiled his wings after a minute or two, and the
rippling and voices stopped. "I can get you back there, but not directly. Interspace is an absolute
mess right now. We'll have to go through several of the Shattered Lands, and perhaps clean out of
this dimension altogether."
"You can do that?" Yuusuke asked.
"Certainly. Can't you?"
"All right, all right. I get the message. Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer. Get us out
of here."
The Piper chuckled deep in his chests. "Follow me." He said, and began to walk off.
As they did, there was a brief flash of blue, and everything was suddenly different. It was
now a high mountain pass, where a greenish sun shone high overhead. They stopped a moment to
get used to the thinner air. "What's this place?" Kurama asked.
"The Mountains of Unusual Flight." The Piper replied, sitting down.
"That's a weird name for a mountain range." Kuwabara said. "Why's it called that?"
"I think that's why." Yuusuke said pointing to something eastward.
They stared. Silhouetted against a large cloud, a herd of smallish rhinoceros climbed though the air towards a steep meadow on long, leathery wings. A loud rumbling above them made them look up. The Harlequin was vigorously scratching a young tiger with hawk wings behind the ears. The big cat was purring up a storm.
"Does everything living here fly?" Van asked, watching as the tiger rolled over and demanded a belly rub.
"Almost." The Piper replied as a mouse buzzed by like an oversized bumblebee. "The birds
don't, and some bugs don't either."
"Weird." Muttered Kuwabara.
"Say what you like, man. This Land was very nearly part of the Ningenkai once."
"Really?" Kurama said, fascinated. "What happened?"
There was a yelp from above as the tiger decided to return the favor by washing the
Harlequin's head.
"This place didn't fit right with the other mountains in the Ningenkai, so it was discarded."
"Discarded?" Kurama said, frowning. "I thought the Shattered Lands were made of pieces
of destroyed worlds."
"The Shattered Lands only partially live up to their name." The Piper said, ignoring the
commotion above them. "Yes, some of it is pieces broken off of destroyed worlds. There are still
chunks of the Netherworld floating around, among others. The rest of it is forgotten bits; parts that
were never added in, parts that wouldn't work, or places that lost their grip on the rest of reality. Some were deliberately blown off, such as the Glen of the Damned. Who would want that place as a neighbor? Most are accidents, some are places where reality has been mis-woven. Chinks in the
wall, tears in the fabric. Whatever you call them, they are what they are."
"What a waste." Kurama said, dodging a falling rock.
"Not really." The Piper said, watching with amusement as the Harlequin distracted the big
cat with a branch of catnip. "Some of these places are better off as they are. Besides, some great
World-Builder might come along one day and use the Shattered Lands to build a proper world."
The Harlequin dropped down, slightly damp and thoroughly disgusted. "Cats." He muttered
sourly. "I'm settled. Shall we move on?"
"Okay." Yuusuke said. He was feeling much better. Neither Hiei or the Piper had said
anything unsettling.
"Right." The Piper surged upright and turned to Hiei. "Ready to head out, Big Man?"
"Ready when you are, Shorty." Hiei replied.
Yuusuke groaned.
They moved off in a blue flash again. They came out in what was presumably a city. It was
rather hard to tell what anything was, under the layer of ochre dust that covered everything in a cloak
of muddy yellow. There was a light but steady breeze that hissed dryly through the streets, and the
dust storms it raised made visibility very poor, indeed. It was eerily quiet here. "This city looks like
something right out of the Makai." Kurama said, brushing the dust off his shirt. "One of the waste-
land towns."
"It used to be one, yes." The Piper said softly. "We call this place 'Yellow Season'. Way
back in the way back, two Makai sorcerers had a duel here, and they destroyed each other despite the efforts the inhabitants made to stop them. The land soaked up so much uncontrolled power that it
slipped away. It's been here ever since. The dust storms die down only at night, when it rains.
People don't get out much, here."
"I can see that." Kuwabara said. "Don't they ever get any sun?"
"No." Van replied. "I stayed here once for three years with one who was both a friend and a
responsibility. I never saw the sun even once."
"What happened to your friend?" The Piper asked. "After those three years, you left alone,
Van. Both Issola and I keep track of these things."
Van sighed softly. "I don't know. I came back on line one evening and it was gone. I looked
for it, but it left no traces."
"It?" Kuwabara asked.
"Hunter didn't have a gender. Its kind don't, as a rule."
For a while there was no sound but the incessant hissing of the dust storm. Nobody spoke;
this was not a place that encouraged noise.
A tall hooded shape suddenly loomed out of the ochre storm and seized Van's arm in an iron grip with a mottled grey-and-black gloved hand. Van was about to deck the newcomer, but stopped when he peered into the hood. "Just a moment, guys." Van said, and let the hooded one draw him aside.
Van's voice was only vaguely audible in the hissing of the storm, but they heard enough to
realize that the language wasn't human. They couldn't hear the newcomer's voice, and weren't sure if
it spoke at all. Finally, Van led it back to them. "Well, Piper, the mystery's been solved. I hope you
won't mind if another decides to follow us."
"The more, the messier." Piper replied cheerfully. "That your missing buddy?"
"Yes. Guys, this is Hunter."
Van indicated the figure standing like a statue behind him, a figure draped in a coarse ocher-colored robe and hood that concealed it from head to foot. There was an aura of subtle menace
hanging around it, nearly turning the air dark. It loomed. Hiei and Kurama shifted their weight
warily; this thing's ki was all wrong.
The Piper spread his wings, fanned them in Hunter's direction and raised his crest again, and
then refolded them sharply. "That thing's a Golganoth." He said shortly. "What're you doing run
ning around with one of those killers?"
"It's an outcast." Van replied. "It sees me as sort of pack leader simply because I haven't
tried to kill it. Hunter's got a picky appetite; it won't go after non-evil beings."
"Weird." The Piper said. "Weird but workable. What the hey, why not? It'll be worth it just
to see the look on Koenma's face when we come through with it in tow."
"Hold on." Kuwabara said angrily. 'Tm not travelling with any mystery monsters! Let's see
what you look like- urk."
Kuwabara had strode forward aggressively and had grabbed at the hood. He was now dan-
gling several inches off the ground. Hunter had seized him by the throat and lifted him up effortlessly, holding him in a grip just tight enough to strangle, but not tight enough to crush his windpipe.
In doing so, Hunter exposed its arm up to the shoulder. Hunter was not wearing gloves.
"Let him go, Hunter." Van said. "He's on our side."
Hunter dropped Kuwabara, who sagged to the ground, gasping for breath. The Harlequin
eyed the creature for a moment, and then shook his head. "Nah. This one, rm not touching."
The Piper snorted and nudged the 'Quin. "Finally found one you can't mess with?"
"You have to have a mind to have a sense of humor. This guy has neither. Let's go."
As they continued on to the next Interspace point, Yuusuke fell in beside Hunter and began to
study it speculatively. It ignored him. "I don't recommend it." Van said, appearing beside him out
of a drifting cloud of dust.
"What?" Yuusuke said.
"Don't try to start a conversation or annoy Hunter in any other way. It only gives warnings
once, and besides, it's mute."
"Sorry. I just wanna see what's under that poncho." Yuusuke said.
"Your inquisitive nature has done you credit in the past, I'd bet, but believe me, it's no good
here. You're better off not knowing."
"Why? Hunter's got a face like a bug or something?"
"No. He's got no face at all, and that's much worse."
"That's bad?" Yuusuke was puzzled.
"Think of it this way. You're going home one night, and you hear this nasty, metallic laughter
right behind you, and then this thing that looks just human enough to be recognizable slides out of
the shadows. It's got no eyes, but it looks at you anyway. It's got no ears, but it hears your heart
beating. It's got no nose, but it smells your fear. It has no mouth, but it laughs again, chilling your
blood. You try to fight it as it reaches for you, but it can't be hurt. You try to run, but it's always
faster. It latches on to your throat with a grip of cold-forged steel and slowly tears your heart out and
crushes it with the other hand- CHKKKK!"
Kurama, Kuwabara, and Hiei had all ventured closer to Van and Yuusuke, curious. They
jumped and shuddered at the horribly graphic sound that Van made, and looking at Hunter, tall as the
Harlequin, grim and silent, they could believe every word.
"The last sound you hear is the laughter of a sated meat-grinder, the last thing you see is a
faceless mask, featureless and cold." Van continued. "Now do you see why everybody's scared of
them?"
"Oh, yes." Yuusuke said fervently.
"They feed on death energies, and the more violent the death, the better they like it. Gener-
ally, they'll kill anything that moves, but this one is a bit strange. It leaves the good guys alone. Its
pack rejected it for that reason, and then it started following me around. Xenocidal monster or not,
it's a great help in a fight."
"I can imagine." Kurama said uneasily. "Your enemies take one look at Hunter and run
away screaming."
"'Fraid so." Van said. "Sometimes it had to chase them for hours. It cleaned this place out
pretty thoroughly, which was probably why it left."
"Looking for fresh prey." Kuwabara said. "Nasty."
"How did it do that?" Kurama asked. I thought that only the Piper and Issola, whoever that
is, could travel around between these Lands."
"Kurama, that I can't tell you." Van said rather wearily. "I can navigate here up to a point.
How Hunter can, I have no idea. It thinks differently from the rest of us, so it's possible that it can
do improbable things."
The blue flash of Interspace travel interrupted their discussion at that point, and they stepped
out into a radically different world. It was night-time, and two crystalline moons spread their sparkling light out of a totally clear sky over a terrain that looked like a sea of glass. Huge, flawless
crystal formations dotted the landscape, spilling silvery rainbows everywhere. The air was clean and
sharp, slightly chill, and the gravity was somewhat lighter here. The group of travellers stopped to
shake the dust of Yellow Season off of themselves. The Piper did just that, spreading long wings and fanning vigorously. A clump of ochre slid off of his shoulders, landing squarely on Hiei. "Hey!
Watch it, Weenie!" He snapped.
"Shove it, Bully." The Piper replied, and fanned the dust off of him.
This time, they both noticed Yuusuke's anguished reaction. They grinned evilly, and began
name-calling again, just to aggravate him. "Bully!"
"Weenie!"
"Bully!"
"Weenie!"
Kurama was not happy at all about this. Hiei had never been this open -this trusting!- to
anyone, not even him. He was starting to become very jealous, and even more afraid that the little
Koorime would divert his attentions to the Piper, and forget about him entirely. What could Hiei see
in that scarlet monstrosity? How could he?
"How far is it to the next Interspace point?" He cut in, rather grouchily.
"Just beyond that crystal formation. The one that looks like a big octopus."
"Race you there!" The Harlequin shouted, and tore off towards the distant landmark.
Kuwabara and Yuusuke, glad for the diversion, lit out after him. Hiei followed a second
later, with the Piper breaking into a rolling gallop beside him. Kurama, Van and Hunter followed,
coursing silently behind the rest. Halfway there, the 'Quin changed his mind, struck Yuuske a light
blow on the shoulder, shouted: "Tag! You're it!" And sprinted off in another direction.
Perhaps it was something in the air that made them silly in this moonlit Land, or perhaps it was the reduced gravity; whatever it was, both Yuusuke and Kuwabara took the 'Quin up on it. Hiei and the Piper started sparring again, only this time it was less of a battle and more of a dance. Kurama swallowed hard, eyes brimming. Distractedly, he remembered his nine-tailed cousin Koko, who ran a tavern in the Makai. "If the Piper ever sets up shop in the Makai, you are out of a job, little cousin." He thought sadly.
The Piper had a face that only a mother could love, but the way he moved! All swordsmen
had grace- they had to. This monster had wielded four swords at once for centuries, and it showed.
Oh, gods, how it showed. Nothing that big should be able to move like that.
Kurama turned his face away, trying to hide angry tears. Hunter appeared suddenly at his
side, reached for him and snickered. It was a disgusting sound, high and metallic, and hungry.
Kurama jerked away, suddenly afraid. Then Van was there, knocking aside Hunter's grasping arm
and stamping aggressively, metal foot striking sparks and causing a ringing note that pierced the ear. Hunter flinched and backed off, going silent again.
"Sorry about that." Van said contritely. "Hunter's very sensitive to negative emotions.
What's wrong?"
"Them." Kurama said, pointing at Hiei and the Piper.
"What about them?" Van said, genuinely confused. Then he took a closer look at Kurama.
"Oh, dear. You and Hiei are involved, aren't you?"
"We were." Kurama said with such bitterness that Hunter shifted its weight eagerly.
To Kurama's surprise, Van started laughing. "What's so goddamn funny?!"
"Youkai!" Van sputtered. "You revile humans, and yet you are so very like them. Stay right
here." The robot loped off in the fighters' direction, leaving Kurama to stand there puzzled, with
only a mindless killer for company.
"Don't even think about it." Kurama snapped at Hunter, who was watching him again.
Van returned with Hiei and the Piper, and led them all behind a crystal formation. "What's
this all about, Van?" Hiei growled, annoyed about having his sparring match interrupted.
"We need to clear up a problem." Van replied. "Kurama here believes that you are falling in love with the Piper."
Stunned silence. Kurama's face turned bright red.
Piper and Hiei looked at each other, and then at Kurama. "Stupid fox." Hiei said.
The Piper, however, burst into peals of laughter, only stopping when he ran out of breath.
"Oh, that's too much!" He gasped. "Van, would you explain it to them, please? Kurama looks as
though he's about to explode."
"To note:" Van began in a lecture voice, stepping forward. "Koorimes and Pipers are totally
incompatible. The first consideration is size. Hiei is under five feet tall, while Piper here hits his
head on the doorframe and then catches his tail in the door as a matter of habit.
"The second point is strength; your average Koorime is a tough little bastard -put that sword
down, Hiei- but look at this." Van indicated the Piper's long flanks. "Solid muscle. If he lost con-
trol, he'd crush you.
"The third point of interest, or rather lack thereof-" Van slapped the Piper's rump. "No
external genitalia whatsoever. I could describe just what goes on between the sexes of his species on
Saturday nights, but this is a PG-rated fantic.
"The fourth consideration is that all, and I do mean all, of the Piper's bodily fluids are both
corrosive and lethally poisonous. If you try, you die.
"And lastly, the fifth and most important point of all is that the Piper already has a girlfriend.
Yes, Kurama, he is thoroughly involved with her, and respects her greatly. In fact, what he respects
the most is that if she ever found out that he was fooling around on her time, she'd come right down
here and rip off his-- well, never mind."
This time the Piper blushed- bright purple. "Issola." He murmured. "She would do that,
wouldn't she?"
"Feel better now, Kurama?" Van asked.
Kurama grabbed Hiei in a huge bear hug. "Mine!"
"Urk! Kurama, I need those ribs!" Hiei gasped.
"How is Issola, anyway?" Van said, politely ignoring Kurama as he plastered Hiei's face with
kisses.
"She's fine. By the way, that pump design worked wonders! Hot running water does marvel-
lous things for her temper." The Piper replied, trying very hard not to stare at the lovers.
An uproar started somewhere on the other side as a fight of some sort broke out between the
three other team members. A banana-cream pie suddenly sailed over the crystals and landed on
Van's head with a splat. "Why don't we go join Yuusuke and the others?" Piper said diplomatically.
"That sounds ideal." Van replied flatly, cracking his knuckles.
So, off they went, leaving Kurama and Hiei to cement their affections.
The Harlequin had started a massive pie fight. He, Yuusuke, and Kuwabara were already
plotched all over with varying kinds of fruity goo when Van and the Piper joined in. Van, being
basically a machine, had pin-point accuracy with his throws, and Piper had four arms and a broad
sense of humor. By the time that Hiei and Kurama had finished reassuring each other, they could
only tell the others apart by size and shape; they were coated head to foot in pie stuff. Hunter, who
hadn't even joined in, looked like a pillar of whipped cream. Some joker had put a little maraschino
cherry on top to complete the image.
Kurama couldn't help himself. He doubled over laughing, and even Hiei had to smile. "Stupid everybody." He muttered and leaned against Kurama.
Van was holding the last pie- a great big boysenberry one. With great ceremony, he walked over, split the pie in half, and got both of them in the face.
Kuwabara fell over howling with laughter as Hiei gave Van a poisonous look. Hiei's sword
flashed out, aiming straight for Van's midsection. Van didn't bother to block the slash. The sword
struck the silver carapace, and then shattered, causing Hiei to curse and step back, vigorously rubbing the life back into his numbed arm. This made Kuwabara collapse again in fresh paroxysms of
laughter. Since Van was not killable at the moment, he only got another glare in passing as Hiei ran
over to Kuwabara and started beating the stuffing out of him.
The Piper leaned over and hoisted a snarling Hiei off of Kuwabara by the scruff of his neck
when the screaming started getting on his nerves. "Lemmego!" The little koorime snarled. "He's
not dead yet !"
"I know." The Piper replied calmly. "We need him alive for the moment. Harlequin, if you
would get rid of the mess, please..."
In a twinkling, all the pie goo was gone, except for the one cherry perched precariously on
Hunter's head. Kurama reached up, retrieved it, and ate it. "Hmm, not bad."
Hiei was still cursing and dangling from the Piper's grip while Yuusuke dug some band-aids
and disinfectant out of his jacket pocket. Van picked up the pieces of the shattered sword. "A pity."
He said quietly. "It was a good blade." He looked over at Hiei, who was glaring at him sullenly.
"Sorry about this, but you should learn to keep a leash on that temper. One of these days it's going to
get you into serious trouble."
Hiei growled and managed to kick the Piper in the elbow. Dropping to the ground, he
walked over to Van and retrieved the bits. He sighed, holding up a piece. It had been a good sword."Where am I going to get another?"
"It's behind your ear." The Harlequin said, grinning.
"What?"
"No, really, look." The Harlequin reached behind Hiei's ear and pulled a sword out of no-
where. "Ta-daaa!"
"It's made out of rubber, you stripey psycho." Hiei snapped.
"Whoops! Let's try again. Ta-daaa!"
"That's a fish!"
"It's a swordfish."
"Shut up!"
"Just one more time. Ta-daaa!"
This time it was a real sword; in fact, it was identical to Hiei's broken one.
"Now, that's more like it" Hiei said. "Hey! Where's the shards of my old one?"
The broken bits were gone. The Harlequin merely slitted his glowing topaz eyes and smiled.
He then offered the sword to Hiei over his arm. "One shouldn't deprive a boy of his favorite toys." The 'Quin said, and ambled off in the direction of the Octopus-shaped landmark.
They passed briefly through one more Land before crossing over to the Reikai, one that seemed to be
entirely walls, gates, and suspicious sentries. After the first few times, our heroes stopped being
polite to the guards and took direct action. The sentries were far too busy demanding identification,
pink slips, passports, vouchers, height, weight, length, favorite food, and what color their underwear
was to notice that the entire team was attacking them all at once.
Koenma's study was a spacious one, and Botan was wearing a trench down the length of it
with her constant pacing. Koenma himself sat at his desk, watching his viewscreen for any sign of the Spirit Detectives. George was wandering around the study, dusting and righting the furniture. There was a crackle in the air right above the desk and Norkie dropped through, landing with a small thud onto a stack of papers. He was soaked through and soapy, and very, very angry. Whoa!" Koenma yelped. "How'd you get here? Stop that! You're getting the documents all soggy!"
"Queep!" Norkie retorted. "Queep queep queepqueepqueep! Thppbbbtt!" Norkie blew him
a resonant raspberry and shook soapy water vigorously all over the desk, and then sat down on one
of the more important papers, soaking it.
"Hey!" Koenma protested.
"Aaw, how cute!" George said, scooping up the dripping fuzzball and rubbing him dry with
a clean rag.
"It looks like Yukina tried to give him a bath again." Botan giggled.
Koenma only harrumphed, blowing his dampened papers dry.
George, noticing that the Great Seal of the Reikai was hanging a little crookedly on the wall,
handed Norkie to Botan and went to straighten it. As he did, he noticed a glittering mote appear on
the wall right under the Seal. "Hey, Botan," He said, pointing to the mote. "What's this? ...
Aaaieeee!!"
The mote suddenly opened into a swirling blue maelstrom that took up the entire wall and
swallowed the Seal. George dove under a table as the Piper led the others through the portal.
Koenma stood frozen on his chair as the Piper stepped up to him. The huge red monster bent nearly
double to look Koenma right in the eye. "Boo." He stated.
Koenma joined George under the table.
"Hi, Botan!" Yuusuke said cheerfully. "Did you miss us?"
Norkie had to bite her hand before she snapped out of her trance. "What? Oh, Yuusuke!
Guys! You're safe!"
"No thanks to you." Hiei said.
"Oh, I'm so sorry!" Botan cried. "Koenma-sama said it was a matter of national security!
The ways between worlds are all messed up!"
"We noticed." Kuwabara said, glaring at Koenma.
"This usually happens every hundred years or so." Koenma said, coming out from under the
table. "It's far worse than it should be, though. Something is causing the disturbances to become
even worse. If it goes on, nobody will be able to travel at all."
"So," Kuwabara said slowly. "You called us here to tell us about this problem, only to have
us get lost because of it?! Why didn't you just tell Botan to tell us?"
"It seemed like a good idea at the time." Koenma said a little sheepishly.
"Aaargh!" Kuwabara shouted. "My boss is a screaming twit! Harlequin, would you pie
him, please?"
SPLAT!
"Thank you."
Koenma scraped a wad of whipped cream off of his face and glared at the God of Chaotic
Silly, who grinned at him and turned into a floating technicolor donut.
"Let me guess." Yuusuke said. "You want us to find the perpetrator and pound him into
mulch."
"Yes." Koenma replied, wiping his face with a handkerchief.
"With the Interspace pathways all screwed up."
"Yes."
"How?"
"Er."
"Hoy!" The Piper said. "Where is your father, sprat? I want to ask him if he knows that he has spawned an incompetent pansy."
"He probably does." Hiei said with a faint smile.
"Hey!" Koenma whined. "You're supposed to be on my side!"
"I'm on my side."
"That's telling him, Bully!" The Piper laughed.
"You betcha, Weenie!" Hiei said happily.
"Bully!"
"Weenie !"
"Bully!"
"Weenie !"
"Now, stop that!" Koenma shouted. "I am not an incompetent pansy, I'll have you know, and-"
"YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!"
The scream of abject terror made them all look around. George was dangling helplessly
upside down by one ankle from Hunter's fist. In his current position, George could see what was
inside that hood... All little Oni children are told horror stories about faceless, shadowy monsters that laugh like meat grinders. Hunter was laughing softly now, and George was scared out of his socks. "HELP! Lord Koenma! Make it leggo! Help!" He wailed. "Don't let it eat meeeee!"
"Oh, fer crying out loud." Van muttered. "Put it down, Hunter. Not food. Down."